What Does Your Kid Fear Most?

As we approach Halloween this week, do you ever wonder what your kid fears the most?

Spiders? The dark? Monsters? Being alone?

Actually, it is failure, according to Dr. Jim Taylor, San Francisco- based psychologist, consultant and author of “Positive Pushing: How to Raise a Successful and Happy Child.”

Kids deeply fear disappointing their parents, being ostracized by their friends or feeling embarrassed, shameful or worthless if they fail in sports, school, performing arts or socially.

This fear can be such a motivator, kids won’t try anything, according to Taylor. They would rather not try than try and fail.

Their deepest fear is losing their parents’ love if they fail – a message Taylor says parents rarely actually send but one children become fixated upon.

Taylor writes, “Children with fear of failure perceive failure to be a ravenous beast that pursues them relentlessly and they only experience a small amount of relief when they succeed (and that feeling doesn’t last long). As a result, avoiding failure becomes their singular motivation and goal in life.”

This fear actually leads kids to “self-sabotage” as he calls it, so they have an excuse for failure. It also leaves the door open for possible success in the future but leaves them unfulfilled.

In his practice, Taylor has found kids actually end up failing even when success is imminent, which led him to his conclusion about failure: Kids actually fear total failure.

He defines total failure as “giving it their all and not achieving their goal.” Every child he asks says total failure is “the worst” because they tried their hardest and still failed.

While it might sound like a logical choice to give up when you fail because you tried your hardest, Taylor says kids should be very proud of giving it their best shot, even if they do fail.

Not trying denies kids the feeling of accomplishment when they do succeed and prevents them from learning anything if they fail.

“The simple reality is that if children don’t give it everything they’ve got, they will have little chance of ever reaching their goals or achieving total success,” writes Taylor.

Giving it all you’ve got involves getting a kid out of his comfort zone, pushing himself to the point he didn’t think was possible and taking a risk. This risk-taking can be very stressful for a child however, taking a risk – putting it all out there – is the only way a kid can move forward and succeed.

Taylor has two rules he says are extremely important to drive home to your kids:

• There are no do-overs in life – make sure your kid never ends the semester, sports season, year, career or life saying “I wonder what I could have done?” because she never tried.
• Your kid should always feel pride and fulfillment in having given it his all so he never has to feel regret. Regret he defines as “to feel sorry or disappointed about something that one wishes could be different; a sense of loss or longing for something gone,” in other words, “Darn it, I wish I had tried harder.” Better to have tried and failed than to have never given it a shot and regret it for the rest of your life.

Because they may have a deep fear of failing you, make sure as a parent, you continue to motivate even if your kid does fail.

Remember, Taylor says they deeply fear failing you and losing your love. Encourage your child to try and make sure they know you will love and support them, no matter what, because they gave it their best shot.

“To achieve their life’s goals, your children must embrace the following: ‘To achieve Total Success, I can accept Total Failure,’” says Taylor. “By doing so, they will have nothing to fear from failure and, as a result, are liberated to pursue success with unrestrained gusto.”

What do you think you can do to encourage your children?

About Dr. Jim Taylor

(from his website) Dr. Jim Taylor is internationally recognized for his work in the psychology of performance in business, parenting, and sport. He has been a consultant to and has provided individual and group training to executives and businesses throughout the U.S., Canada, Europe, and the Middle East, including the Young Presidents’ Organization.

Dr. Taylor’s professional areas of specialization include corporate consulting, youth development, parent training, sport psychology, educator training, coaches education, injury rehabilitation, popular culture, and the psychology of technology.

Dr. Taylor is the author or lead editor of ten books, including Positive Pushing: How to Raise a Successful and Happy Child, Your Children are Under Attack: How Popular Culture is Destroying Your Kids’ Values, and How You Can Protect Them, The Triathlete’s Guide to Mental Training, and Applied Sport Psychology: Four Perspectives, the Prime Sport book series, Psychology of Dance, Psychological Approaches for Sports Injury Rehabilitation, and Comprehensive Sports Injury Management.

He is also an accomplished skiier, 2nd Degree black belt and karate instructor, marathon runner, Ironman triathelete and the father of two girls.

Learn more about Dr. Taylor and his work at www.drjimtaylor.com.