Step Up Your Game – Take Your Parenting to the Next Level

Have you ever said something you regretted as a parent? Maybe you yelled or gave a punishment you couldn’t follow through on or it ended up affecting you more than it did your child.

This is a very common scenario. It’s usually because you reacted emotionally, not thinking through what you were trying to accomplish.

One thing most parents don’t consider is that while you are trying to discipline and maybe even teach your kid a thing or two, you are also learning yourselves. Most parents are simply trying to address the immediate situation – get the kid to stop doing (fill in the blank) and not thinking about what happens the next time this situation arises. We’re in survival mode.

To help break this cycle, parent educator Sharon Silver has written a just-released book called “Stop Reacting and Start Responding™ 108 Ways to Discipline Consciously and Become the Parent You Want to Be” (One Voice Publishing, December 13, 2010, ISBN 978-0-9831561-0-9).

Silver is an 18-year veteran parent educator, teaching seminars to parents and educators, such as day care providers, for many years. Her experience both in the field and from raising her own children has given her a broad range of data to pull from for this book.

She is quick to point out she isn’t trying to reinvent the wheel but help give parents a new attitude. Parenting is an education process for both child AND parent.  The purpose of the book, according to Silver, is “to educate parents to teach for the next moment as well.”

 In 15 chapters, she has detailed in bite-sized points the most common situations encountered by parents – behavior, feelings, struggle, rules, separation anxiety, etc.

Under each chapter title, she has listed each situation she addresses for easy reference for a parent. For example, in the Choices chapter, select sections include “Do It Now – Demand or Empower?,” “I’m not choosing – What to Do?,” and “Silly Works Too – Releases Tension.”

She limited the sections to a maximum 1 ½ pages so it is super easy for parents to reference, even in the heat of the moment. Each section is also summarized by a Quick View of bullet points to highlight the key points.

One of the main principles of her book is that anger causes children to retreat so when you react emotionally, your child immediately stops listening and tries to weather the storm. When you choose to discipline consciously, you are responding, not reacting and thus, “no longer forcing your child to jump over the hurdle of your anger and frustration as part of the learning process,” from page 24.

When you choose to address the situation without anger, your calm firmness takes center stage.

Other fundamentals she encourages parents to remember:

• You Don’t Have to Rush to Respond – She gives an example of a child in the big box store who is modeling his dad and touching everything. Instead of yelling “stop touching” you say “you need to use your eyes or you will need to sit in the cart.” When the touching everything begins again, you say “You are going to sit in the cart for 2 minutes and then you can try again.” Silver points out your child may still have “a bloody fit,” but you are treating their behavior in a positive way that educates them as to what behavior you want, versus simply barking a command.
• Silence – A very powerful tool, according to Silver. Your child is waiting for you to react – to yell. When this doesn’t happen as they expect, it’s disarming for them. You have the upper hand. It also removes the ever-present negotiating that seems inevitable.
• “I’m waiting” – This also gives your child the chance to make the right choice. When a child is in the moment, they are not thinking. Giving them a moment to calm down and asking, “Are you ready to open your ears?” this helps diffuse the situation back in your favor.

Family First asked Silver what to do when your child is having a giant fit in the middle of the big box store. So loud, it seems like Child Protective Services will arrive any moment. She says to look around and say “Yes, we’re having a moment.” It shows the other shoppers and staff that you are on it, you are dealing with it, not hurting or abusing your child.

So when you access your brain instead of flying off the handle, you and your child are both learning from the situation and your child feels supported. “Parental truth is not instant pudding,” says Silver. By this, she means, there are no one-trick answers to parenting – it’s a multi-layered process of educating both parent and child.

To learn more about Silver, check out her website at http://www.proactiveparenting.net/. To learn more about the book go to www.reactrespond.com.