Do You Fight Fair? 5 Tips for Resolving Couples Conflict

- This is a guest post written by Communications Expert Jenn Kaye

Let’s face it, misunderstanding and miscommunication run rampant in our relationship. We generally want what we want, when we want it, and in the exact way we would have done it ourselves.

It’s human nature to think that if a way of being, or a way of doing or saying something makes sense to US, it must make sense to someone else in exactly the same way. (I mean, really, what is wrong with those people!?)

That, my friend, is an urban legend. The truth is, we all have different ways of hearing information, processing it and then communicating to others around it. The problem is, when we feel hurt, rejected, ignored, unimportant or disrespected, our emotions explode (or for some people, implode), we take off the kid gloves, get out the 2×4, the baseball bat, the bow and arrow – or whatever we think we need – to affect the cause of our immediate pain.

When we strike out, hit below the belt, go over the top and cross that ever-so-fine line, all ‘fairness’ generally goes straight out the window and in the damage we do with our retaliation, we end up doing more damage to our relationship in the end.

There was a study done that actually reported up to 40% of all communication can get lost in the transmission between the sender and the receiver. How ‘bout them odds?

The causes for that will be covered in another article, however, if you’ve been struggling with how to resolve conflict in your relationship (without blowing a fuse or having a mental meltdown), try some of these tips and see how they fly:

ASK, don’t Assume

Contrary to popular belief, neither men, nor women, are actually mind-readers. Even though we may have been with someone for years, and they may have patterns of behavior and reaction, we don’t actually know what another person is thinking or feeling unless we ASK.

All too often we assume we know what someone else means, either by their words or their actions. We interpret their behavior based on our past experiences, and if we’ve been hurt in the past by similar behavior, then watch out! Instead of assuming the other person meant to hurt you, some of the following techniques instead:

• Tell them “Okay, this is what I just heard (and repeat back what you thought you heard them say). Is that what you meant?”
• Say, “I’m not sure how to take that. Are you being sarcastic or are you serious?”
• It’s hard to know sometimes when someone is just venting or they’re asking for your help. When in doubt, don’t assume, ask simply, “Are you venting? Or would you like some help with that?”
• When there is something you really want, instead of assuming another person can read between the lines of your not asking directly and trying to “hint”…ASK directly. “Honey, I really need some one-on-one time with you. Will you make arrangements for the kids and take me on a date next week?”

Identify What You’re Really Feeling

When conflict arises, much of the time it’s because there are other stressors in our life and our fuse has just gotten too short.

The next time you feel your blood pressure start to rise, ask yourself, “What am I really upset about?” Is it what your sweetheart just did or said, or is it because you haven’t been taking time for yourself lately, have felt like you’ve been doing everything for everyone else and feeling unappreciated, unacknowledged and generally invisible.

Once you identify what you’re really feeling, you’ll know more clearly how to resolve it.

Put it On the Table

Honestly, who likes the idea of “conflict?” It’s uncomfortable, awkward and could have challenging consequences. Because of that, most folks keep silent when they’re upset.

The problem with that is that there is only so long we can do that before it all comes exploding out. Usually at the least opportune times, and by then we’ve accumulated so much ‘upset’ that everything becomes one big ball of “blah.”

I’m all about redefining our ideas around communication. Therefore, I generally think of “conflict” as an opportunity for “clarity.” Don’t let the explosion come because you’ve been stuffing everything down for so long.

Put it on the table. When the brain spins start – you know, when the emotions come up but you don’t say anything to the other person and you start having those internal conversations inside your head…and you make up their response while in your head you’re feeling powerful, validated and strong about what you’re saying…in your head.

Take a deep breath and use your outside voice to put on the table what’s really going on inside your head. Chances are, the other person has no idea, and your putting it on the table gets it out in the open faster, before it has time to ferment. The sooner you get it out there, the less opportunity for conflict even exists!

Be Curious, Not Competitive

Do you realize that force creates counterforce? When conflict arises, instead of striking back with “Oh yeah, well this is how much stress I’VE been under, and you have no idea how hard I…” Take a deep breathe and ask them to tell you more.

LISTEN. I realize that is an article in and of itself, however for our purposes here, keep in mind that really listening will provide you with powerful information. Don’t take someone else’s emotional state personally. It’s not about you. However, it IS about something. When you can show your compassion and understanding, you will get to the heart of what the perceived conflict is really about (and more often than not be surprised at how quickly it will resolve itself merely because you listened to what the other person had to say!)

Without sounding like you’re interrogating them, ask some of the following questions:

• “How long have you been feeling like this?
• “What happened that triggered this thought/feeling for you?”
• “What would be helpful for me to say/do in the future so that I don’t make you feel like that?”
• “What can I do right now to let you know _________________”

Reframe Your Perception

Words are extremely powerful. Our thoughts and emotions are extremely powerful. When we put them all together, we are extremely powerful human beings. The thing is, we cannot change anybody else. Nope, not even a little. In addition, often we cannot even change a situation that’s outside of ourselves.

The only thing we CAN do, is change our own personal response to our external experiences. That being said, if we believe conflict is bad, it’s going to be bad. If, however, we believe that conflict is an opportunity to learn something about ourselves and someone we love, than conflict merely becomes a conversation.

I often use the following phrases when I feel that a conflict is either imminent or occurring:

• “I think I may have said something that didn’t come across the way I intended it. What did you just hear me say?”
• “I’m so sorry your feelings are hurt. What can I do or say differently?”
• “I’d really like to improve my communication with you. Tell you what, I’ll practice being clearer in asking you the right questions. Will you practice ‘x’ for me so that we can avoid misunderstandings like this in the future?”

At the end of the day, you can put on your gloves and go for the softest part of your sweetheart to hurt them the most, or you can be willing to take a little risk, be vulnerable and let your love lead the way.

Because…you can be “right”…or you can get what you really want.

It’s all about the love.

© 2010 All Rights Reserved l Jenn Kaye l Touch with Intention™ LLC l Head-On Communications ™ International

Jenn Kaye is a speaker, author and internationally recognized communications expert. She has been has been featured in Self Magazine, seen and heard on NBC Radio, Sonoran Living, Good Morning Arizona and RealTime Moms, as well as quoted in dozens of publications including Femina, India’s leading women’s magazine, and the Inspiration Journal. To learn more and receive Jenn’s FREE newsletter, go to www.lifeheadon.com.