5 Tips for Becoming a Strong Blended Family

If love has found you again after a divorce and you are either remarried or thinking of remarrying, these top 5 tips from specialist Adele Cornish will help make a rough processes a little easier, if you both have children from your prior relationships.

Cornish is the New Zealand-based founder of The Blended Family Focus Resource and Support Network, who has helped hundreds of couples worldwide to succeed in the difficult task of blending families. A social worker originally, she is also an author, speaker and International Blended Family Advisor who has appeared on numerous television and radio programs in her home country.
Cornish tells Family First there are 5 top ideas she encourages blended/blending families to focus on:
1) You Both Must Believe You Will Succeed - when the going gets tough, it’s very easy to give up and walk away. But what message does that send to your children? That giving up is ok. Cornish says the much braver and tougher decision is to stay and make it work.
2) You Must Take Time as a Couple - such as date nights and time alone together, because you, as a couple, are the foundation of the blended family. If your marriage is not strong, the family cannot stand together.
3) Understand the Unique Structure of Your Family - know that you will never take on the role of the biological parent. “Blood ties are stronger,” says Cornish, “and that’s ok.” You need to understand that and manage your own expectations with the children in that way.
4) Establish an Identity as a Family - this means create traditions and rituals as a family – pizza night each week, an annual vacation to a special place, specific rituals around holidays – something unique for dinner on Christmas, as an example. This gives your family uniqueness from the children’s other houses and galvanizes your identity as your own unit. Cornish says then the children feel secure in saying “in our family, we do it like this.” It also gives the kids something to look forward to as a family.
5) Practice Grace and Forgiveness - treat the members of your family as you wish to be treated. Be a role model for proper behavior and don’t hold on to resentment from things that have been done or said in the past. Forgive – choose to let it go, and look for the good in your step-children and spouse.
From the child’s perspective, parents and step-parents must understand that blending is a second upheaval after the first upheaval that was the divorce, says Cornish. Children are already traumatized by the loss of their parents’ marriage so they will understandably be wary of the loss of the new blended family. With some statistics showing 2nd marriages end in divorce 60-67% of the time, you can see why children have a right to be afraid.
Family First asked Cornish what her personal mantra was in her own experience blending. She said, “Go to God” – her faith sustained her during the difficult period, which can take many years. “God turns impossible situations into possible ones,” says Cornish “and he only gives us what we can handle.”
For those who may not have a strong faith, she says those people should enlist the help of others, but she warns, be careful who you choose. Your bitter divorced best friend may not give you the best perspective when you are having difficulty in your new marriage. Find a strong person who brings out the best in you. And if no one else can help, seek professional help, says Cornish.
Cornish reminds us that we control our behavior and make choices – here’s to hoping you’ll choose to stay and make a great new family.
Check out Cornish’s website http://www.blendedfamilyfocus.com/ – it is full of helpful articles, blog posts, other’s ideas and experiences about children, dealing with ex-spouses, preparing to blend, being a step parent, etc. You can also sign up for her weekly email tips that are always full of helpful information. If you are fortunate enough to live in New Zealand, Cornish hosts seminars there as well; here are upcoming dates.