3 Steps to Bully-Proof Your Kid

- This post was written by guest contributor Josh Shipp

Incidents like the Phoebe Prince Bully/Suicide in Massachusetts has brought wide spread attention to the epidemic of bullying at schools, making it appear as if it is a new issue.  The truth is that there have been bullies on the playgrounds and hallways of schools since the onset of education; and they are likely here to stay.  In fact, even adults are forced to deal with bullies, whether in line at the grocery store or at the workplace. 

Bullying is not just a school issue, but also a human nature issue. The most effective thing a parent can do about bullies is teach their child value based social skills and coping strategies which will serve them well for the rest of their life.  

Due to a frenzy of media attention about bullying and violence in schools, many parents are fearful about sending their children to school each day.  This is a real concern. Government statistics show that violent crime has been declining in schools in recent years, but that bullying has been increasing.

In response to this growing trend, most school districts have put regulations in place that clearly define bullying and identify consequences for students.  In addition to that, cyber bullying, off and beyond school hours is routinely being considered criminal, both at school and with local police authorities. 

While I appreciate the major effort underway to end bullying on campus and online, it is apparent to me that laws and rules won’t always protect your child. Most bullying, when it occurs, does so in silence and secrecy. What I believe to be the surest protection is to train them how to respond to people who are mean to them, in a way that ends the conflict.

The age-old secret to doing this is found in responding with kindness. You cannot successfully bully someone who is being nice to you. Don’t just take my word for it; consider the wisdom of the ages:

• Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends? Abe Lincoln
• A soft answer turns away wrath. King Solomon
• If you are patient in the day of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow. Chinese Proverb
• Love your enemies. Jesus 
• Men must see that force begets force, hate begets hate, toughness begets toughness. And it is all a descending spiral, ultimately ending in destruction for all and everybody. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Talk, talk, and talk to your Child!

In ALL of the cases where bullying ended in a teen suicide – teachers, parents and other students admit to knowing about the warning signs.  Still, most agree that they never thought talking about it would make much of a difference. 

Talk to your child about what they do at school every day.  Often, kids feel that a parent only wants to know the ‘good’ things that happened at school.  Yes, these are important – but start asking your teen about who the ‘mean kids’ are at school.  Often, they may give you the clues you need to help them out of a situation before it escalates to bullying.  Whatever you do, if your child seems hurt, depressed, or emotionally upset about a certain child in their school – realize there may be a very firm reason they don’t like someone and offer a listening ear first and foremost.   

As you talk with them about a recent conflict, try to get all of the details. What happened? Who was involved, and how did they hurt you? When did it happen? Why do you think it happened? Did you do anything to anger the bully? Who else observed the incident? You need to calmly ask as many details as possible so that you can document each incident as it happens.

Develop a Response Plan

Teach your child how to be respectful to those who are being mean and unfair. When your child learns to show kindness to an enemy, they remain in control and show profound maturity. I encourage you to role-play bullying scenarios so that they are well equipped with responses for every type of conflict.

If they have tried to extend kindness to a bully and found it to be ineffective – then it is time for your child to report the behavior to a school authority.  Ask your child to do this alone at first and see if it improves.  However, if it doesn’t or the situation escalates, demand to meet with administrators and even board members, and if necessary, the police. 

Most bullies count on the fact that their targets won’t tell out of fear.  Make sure your child knows that anyone who threatens them for telling – are simply trying to intimidate them.  For many young children and teens, the fear of being further humiliated can make them complacent to taking the abuse.  The truth is they can turn to others – at any age.  

Avoid Dehumanizing Bullies

Personally, I loathe the word bully. If you think about it, when we label kids bullies, we are in effect bullying them. ‘Bully’ is not a scientifically objective diagnosis but a subjective insult. Just as we would never refer scientifically to people as jerks, losers, fools, wimps or punks, it is inappropriate for us to refer to people as bullies, either.

According to the definition of bullying created by Professor Dan Olweus and universally repeated in the field of bullying, any behavior that can cause physical or emotional pain is bullying. By definition, virtually all of us are bullies. Unless you are a saint, you are a bully. 

Keeping this in mind, it is incredibly important not to encourage your child to de-humanize their enemy, but to instead practice empathy, compassion, and forgiveness.  

Your overall strategy to bully-proof your child needs to combine common sense social skills with close communication with the school staff and administration. A resilient child can resolve most conflicts themselves; however, you need to be ready to intervene if the bullying is too much for them to handle. Most of all, let your life be an example of how one interacts with mean people. Children learn best by your example.

About Josh Shipp

Josh Shipp is the host of the TV Show Jump Shipp and author of “The Teen’s Guide to World Domination”  Get more free practical advice at www.FreeTeenHelp.com. He is a teen advice guru and motivational speaker. Josh has earned an international reputation as a leading authority on teen communication that’s “in your face, but on your side.”  Seen on MTV, CNN, NBC, FOX, Comedy Central, and featured in the LA Times and Inc. Magazine’s “30 Under 30: America’s Coolest Young Entrepreneurs”.